Welcome to the Abyss

Seeking perfection is something I always involuntarily strive for, repeating the same task over and over until my brain is satisfied. But wait, it still isn’t satisfied somehow. Then I have to do it again. OCD, or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, is a burden I carry every single second of my waking life, and I despise it. It has wasted so much valuable time that I will never get back. Medicine doesn’t seem to combat it. Therapy seems to be an option, but that’s unfortunately not an indefinite fix to my issue, and surgery is just really scary. So, you have to help yourself. And so I did. (The following will be an unorthodox explanation of the inner workings of my brain, so be very skeptical about it and don’t take any words at face value.)

Picture this:

Negative thoughts are coming into your mind all the time, even for a person without OCD. The problem with it is that we feel compelled to comply with them. People with OCD know very well it’s irrational, but we must complete the task at hand or else something horrifying (in our minds) might happen. Even the thought that I am going to die if I don’t fully complete this task came into my mind fairly often.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is possibly the greatest burden of my existence (yet). I don’t quite remember how or when it started, but I know it was very early on in my life. At first, I didn’t even know what it was; I just knew I had it in me. It progressively worsened as I grew older. The illness is unnoticeable to outsiders, because we are ashamed of it, and it is therefore very hard to get treatment prematurely.

The way I keep the negative thoughts from coming in is that I have hired a “bouncer,” so to say. This bouncer keeps all the negative thoughts from coming in even before they could be a disturbance to my mind. He is the guardian of a metaphorical nightclub and is a trained professional that takes his job very seriously and is very attentive. (It doesn’t necessarily have to be a bouncer, of course, you could also imagine very thick walls, for example. But it has to be very strong and secure.) Thoughts are the nightclubs guests. Positive ones are always allowed in, but negative ones aren’t.

Sometimes the negative thoughts break in through the back window. And they are furious. They just set the whole place on fire. Everything is burning down. The fire spikes and there is no fire department. All you can do is to let the fire burn everything down. (The fire is a metaphor for the panic or fear that sets in.)

Let the fire burn everything down and just watch while the flames engulf this building and tear it up. But after a while everything calms down. The flames have had their fair share of the nightclubs wooden flooring and Criminal Investigation Notices in the trash. (I always pictured it as a nasty, shady nightclub for whatever reason. You know the ones with puke everywhere and creaking old spruce wood flooring, that turned light gray with splinters sticking out, because of all the beer that has been spilled over the years?)

Now is the time to start anew. Rebuild the nightclub to its former glory. Rehire all of your old personal and the whole cycle starts again.

Just like clouds, thoughts come and go. It is important to not get too caught up in your own head, and realize that they are just fleeting thoughts, something us humans have a lot of.

“Learn to watch your drama unfold while at the same time knowing you are more than your drama.”

Ram Dass

And to be honest, there is no better joy than finally defeating this monster; something that’s been holding you up for years on end and then finally letting go. Leaving this vicious cycle. At first, it was all very odd to me. I didn’t know if I was doing anything the right way, the way I wanted to do it instead of OCD telling me what to do. Even little things like putting on clothes. After a while, I acclimated to this new state of mind.

I hope this piece might help some of you out there. Even if this only spreads some kind of awareness on this subject, I will feel very accomplished. Just keep facing the fear; that’s the only real advice I can give to people with OCD. You are not alone. You deserve happiness. You must defeat the monster, or else it will only get stronger.